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the vatican. even to someone who hasn't even heard of the vatican before (innuit eskimos and trapped chilean miners), the name alone sounds like an alien race in a star trek movie. even the way they dress is fucking star trek goofy. the pointy hats. the jesus bling. the sex-slave singing midgets. i say make the pope wear south pole clothing or roca wear and make the cardinals and bishops wear nothing. because from what i hear they hardly wear much anyway.
the location needs to be more non-biased and remote as well. why italy? why not a place where they could walk in and feel at home right away? why not easter island? or christmas island? the names are already a shoe-in, man. and hell, the priests could relate to all the crabs on christmas island, right? christmas island it is! i'll make some calls. praise jesus.
and just change the name from "vatican" to something more befitting. here's a short list i've compiled that some catholics might be able to relate to -
"cath and body works"
"bang-a-boy workshop"
"subway to heaven"
"chuck e. purgatory"
on a side-note of sorts, i've also just recently heard what the "JC" in "JC Penney" stands for. *wink wink*. which explains why the detectors always go off "accidentally" when i leave the store. they're filtering out the sinners. and the mormons. ahhh...the mormons, let's move onto that smiling, blonde haired, motley, bunch of inbreeders, shall we?....
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the church of jesus christ and latter-day saints. latter-day? in the park? was it the 4th of july? who was in charge of church-naming that day? and why salt lake city? it just doesn't seem like the best medium for recruiting to put the capital of your church in the middle of the fucking desert. unless your muslim. i'll get to that a bit later. i think Bring em Young (capitalized not out of respect, but for the sake of making fun of his name), the founder, figured nobody cared what went on in utah anyway, so he more than likely decided against starting his church out of his basement in brooklyn - the real birthplace of mormon. and the philly cheesesteak. best place to relocate their church? berlin, germany. all the crazy blue-eyed blonde freaks running around trying to convert people to their way of "thinking" is bound to raise an eyebrow to most germans. the end of mormon as we know it. problem solved.
and why do they stick their bibles in hotel room nightstands? i've been trying to ponder that one for years and i think i finally came to a conclusion (while i was typing this no less). hookers and porn stars frequent hotel rooms. is it a coincidence that all mormons look like former washed-up hookers and porn-stars? take multiple "partners"? wear that long underwear to hide std's perhaps? one thing the mormons got right on that one. marketing.
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ahh the muslims. more importantly (for the sake of kicking them in the balls in this blog post) the EXTREME muslims. where oh where to begin on that mess. mecca, that's where...
mecca needs to be moved to the moon - where nothing, not even the extreme teachings of the quran can hold its weight. along with islamic extremists. it doesn't make sense to just blow them up. that's what we went to the moon for in the first place, right? to see if it might be inhabitable? islam extremists are used to the rough conditions anyway. look at afghanistan. it's like the moon there anyway. they'd be hunderds of thousands of miles away and still not have the technology to be any threat on a global level. shape em up, ship em out, shit on their heads heading back to earth. praise be allah.
if you ever listen to that astronaut who said "one small step for man. one giant leap for *mec---shhhh---static*. i really think the washed out part at the end wasn't "mankind", but "mecca". listen to it. i think i'm right.
i could see how it might be a problem for them to worship when the earth is blocking the sun in the east though. nobody's perfect.
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next on the list...jews. what i like about jews. they keep me warm at night. one cool thing i like about jewish folk is the VARIETY. there's hassidic jews, orthodox jews, charleston jews, and women's jews. it seems like there's a jew for every occasion. it's easily the most repressed religion ever. millions and millions have been needlessly killed and instead of giving up, they find a way to stay strong and keep giving a silent, universal "fuck you" to every person and organization which has tried to keep them down. jews don't go door to door trying to recruit you. they're way above that. honestly, they don't fucking WANT you in their religion. you're probably not smart and saavy enough anyway. and the biggest evil that's kept the jewish people at bay for so many years? OTHER RELIGIONS. it's a war. and the jews always win. hug a jewish friend of yours today. and keep the synagogues where they are. they don't bother anybody. they're hardly ever a hotbed for any controversy. and there's more than likely one at ground zero - that more than likely withstood the events of 9/11. oi vey.
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that's all i have for today. was a great way to pass 2 hours at work to be honest with you. now it's off to get my license renewed and once again tell them "no, i don't wany my organs donated to a seance".
peace be with you. and with you. and with you. but not YOU - shouldn't you be living in a lunar colony already?
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