gum

you know what i'm tired of seeing lately? all these STUPID fucking gum commercials.

the one that bothers me least is the orbit one with the attractive, blonde british lady (should get the hint they're trying to scam us right there). which really isn't so bad. eye candy selling mouth candy. i can get behind that. and her.

fresh? clean? FEELING? OH..you betcha.

the one that bothers the living BAH-jesus out of me though is that fucking "5" gum commercial. you see that one? stimulate your senses! it's gum, folks. not a shiatsu recliner in a strip mall. the first commercial of theirs i remember had that lady on a 1000 foot-high cliff diving into a frigid lake with fire on the top of it. first of all, the only "sense" that stimulates is my common sense. no person would do that. even for gum. secondly, when can you compare ANY experience to doing what she is doing? much less some crappy gum that costs two dollars. then there's the other one where all the people are in the room, strapped to chairs, seeing all that black oily shit in the sky. the only thing i've ever put in my mouth that did that was immediately followed by me serenading a telephone pole. and i couldn't blow bubbles with it. and how does this shit stimulate my 5 senses? smell and taste - ok. they both last about 5 minutes for any piece of gum i've had. but i'm of the mind to think that if you get off on hearing yourself chew, feeling what you're chewing and then looking at it, gum isn't the thing that you should be taking orally, folks. it's not science. it's gum. i think the people at "5" need to re-evaluate what they're actually selling.

gumageddon? new x-files movie?

and what about the one where they're being "paid with gum" (i think it's trident layers or some shit like that)? seriously? i know unemployment is bad right now, but you think the electric company would stave off shutting your service off if you'd tell them that you'll make a payment arrangement in gum?

make mine a double

get back to the doublemint days. the doublemint twins. the doublemint twins waterskiing in wet bathing suits. yeah, i can chew on that. and the commercials were quick back then. everyone knew what gum did.

have a real-world scenario in your gum commercial. you sift through the lint in your pocket for the last piece that you just realized you sent through 3 laundry and dryer cycles. it still looks edible. you chew it for a bout a minute or two, spit the shit out on the sidewalk for some lady in heels to walk through. END OF COMMERCIAL.

wrigley's - if you're reading this, i can send you my resume.

meet the gadget #1

meet gadget #1. the spectrum analyzer.

the spectrum analyzer was invented by Mohammed an'al Yizer in 1989. yizer first got the idea while playing the popular electronics game "simon" at a swap meet in the deserts of chad. deciding that colors and sounds and frequencies needed to be even more confusing to the end user, as well as needing more buttons, izer began fleshing out the idea in the crawl-space of his hut.

a young mohammed an'al yizer preparing for a long day at chad community college

outsmarting the engineers at milton bradley, Yizer decided to put memory right in the unit - rather than having the user trying to remember "all that shit". he also decided to have the unit be powered by ac power, instead of using thousands of those duracell batteries dumped by american planes that would die out so quickly. out of frustration with trying to come up with a name for his new invention, as well as a real-world purpose, Yizer shelved his invention until 1994 when he decided to name his invention after himself. putting the finishing touches on his new "mo an'al sextant", Yizer shopped the idea to the only company seeming to take new inventions at the time, hewlett packard, who suggested that the name be changed. frustrated and angered that anyone would insult his intelligence, Yizer took his invention back to chad - unknowing that hp replaced his invention with a paper mache duplicate.

a modern day portable spectrum analyzer

a year later, after fine-tuning his invention further, Yizer realized what hp had done and immediately died of a heart attack. hearing of the news, and feeling pity for the "champion of chad", hp decided to indeed name the machine after Yizer with the more popular "spectrum analyzer" name. the machine is currently used to monitor radio frequencies and gain, measure amplitude and noise figure across a user specified span, add, subtract, and support sticky notes.

tuesdayoctobersomethingorother

i've been getting this question a lot lately, and i would like to settle it. stop asking me where waldo is. he's right here and he is just fine. living in 1984.

now that that bit of tired idiocy is out of the way...

on the way into work this morning i was behind a car with an obama '08 sticker on its bumper. well, half of one. seems the owner, or a drunk, tried to peel it off. but thinking back the past few months, i have been seeing a lot of those "half-on, half-off" obama stickers. seems fitting that since he has been president he has been "half-ass", huh? half the sticker on the ass of your car.

i even still see bush/cheney stickers on cars...ok TRUCKS...from time to time. jesus christ, people. OK. YOUR GUY WON. time to take that razor away from your wrist and use it to properly take the sticker off the rusted bumper of your 1989 chevy s10.

come to think of it, i think the only reason barry is president is because of the bumper stickers. a lot of them had what i like to call "dope appeal". for instance, the one where it depicts obama looking up (looking up at a cloud? a rainbow? a blimp? the summit of the invisible mountain of cash he has spent that is now a reality?). he's looking up with the red, white and blue backround. you know the one. now picture that - then this -

now that you saw that, it might make a bit more sense why the obama stickers would be so close to a person's exhaust i.e. a smoking pipe. i think since most liberal potheads voted for obama, i'm almost sure there was a demographic of that group who actually thought they were voting for bob marley. or ziggy marley. or ziggy stardust. same thing. dope appeal. obama hazit.

a short rant about grown-ups

i really hope i'm not an annoying twit when i get into my twilight years. i work with a grouchy bastard in his 60's who is only happy when talking about classic tv and NOTHING ELSE. he lights up when someone absently whistles anything resembling a classic tv theme or comparing some situation to a honeymooners episode. seriously - the guy would go on for hours if he wouldn't be sharp enough to realize that he eventually is the only guy left in the room. if i really wanted to know how much jerry mathers resented playing beaver cleaver as he got older, i would've looked it up my fucking self. isn't that kind of a no-brainer anyway? i think if i was a grown man always being called "beaver", i'd start killing hostages as well.

yes, i know who woody woodpecker is. and he still sucks. no, you don't have to recount that episode of bugs bunny that was brand-new when you were in your 20's to me. no, the chick from bewithced WASN'T hot. she looked like a goat. i get it. you're a vast plethora of useless classic tv trivia bullshit. now stfu or gtfo.

if i can at least keep my rantings to myself, i could die - or at least retire - a happy man. unless someone REALLY wanted to know the details of the the finale of sons of anarchy: season 2 - in 2040. come to think of it, i kind of forgot what happened in that episode right now. age is a bitch.

some words for the why's and other observations

just a few things i scraped off of the undercarriage of my cerebellum after lunch today.

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why don't they name the urinal area in the men's room the "no fly zone"?

why do they have a special "waiting" parking spot near a mcdonald's drive-thru? isn't that what we were trying to avoid?

why are so many mexicans so good at landscaping when most of mexico's landscape looks like shit?

why will computer companies hire hackers who compromised their systems and major pharmaceutical companies won't hire drug traffickers to sell their product?

why is it called "interest" when the last thing we're interested in is paying the bank more fucking money?

why is some extra money laying around called "petty cash"? that "petty cash" sure peaks my "interest". just sayin.

why is it called "dressed to the 9's" when you spent all that money to try and impress a "10"?

why is a fat belly called a spare tire? where are these other tires that necessitate the need for a spare one?

why don't birds ever seem to shit while they're walking around on the ground?

why is it called "tea-bagging" when no man i know has ever dipped his nuts in scalding hot water?

why do we stand during the national anthem? i think as americans we should reflect on who we really are during this song. you came to boo the other team, right? why not sit down, sing along, yell for another hot dog and boo at your least favorite country?

why are they called "candy corns" when they're actually "candy cones"?

why do "smart phones" need us to tell them what to do?

why do you think that so many natural resources are drained to make energy drinks?

why aren't "cover bands" ever on any album covers?

why is it called "airport security" when they're checking to see if you're bringing shit on the plane?

why are there child labor laws when i have yet to work with ONE child (excluding child-minded adults of course).

if in relationships, opposites attract, you think happy couples who go rock-climbing repel?

if half the fun is getting there, does that mean that 50% of where you're going is going to suck?

if a donkey is an "ass" and a detective is a "dick" is a law official who specializes in missing donkeys an "ass dick"?

do you think a lower income person gets offended when they see all the bargain shit at wal-mart being sold in "section 8"?

how is it possible to "break up on good terms"? you fucking hate each other. isn't that always a "bad" thing?

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almost time to go. smile. and have a good weekend.

religious centers of..ahem...interest

most religious centers of importance need some obvious changes made. as a relatively new blogger i feel the need to impress and enlighten (if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit). anyway i have my reasons. here they are. first off...
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the vatican. even to someone who hasn't even heard of the vatican before (innuit eskimos and trapped chilean miners), the name alone sounds like an alien race in a star trek movie. even the way they dress is fucking star trek goofy. the pointy hats. the jesus bling. the sex-slave singing midgets. i say make the pope wear south pole clothing or roca wear and make the cardinals and bishops wear nothing. because from what i hear they hardly wear much anyway.

the location needs to be more non-biased and remote as well. why italy? why not a place where they could walk in and feel at home right away? why not easter island? or christmas island? the names are already a shoe-in, man. and hell, the priests could relate to all the crabs on christmas island, right? christmas island it is! i'll make some calls. praise jesus.

and just change the name from "vatican" to something more befitting. here's a short list i've compiled that some catholics might be able to relate to -

"cath and body works"
"bang-a-boy workshop"
"subway to heaven"
"chuck e. purgatory"

on a side-note of sorts, i've also just recently heard what the "JC" in "JC Penney" stands for. *wink wink*. which explains why the detectors always go off "accidentally" when i leave the store. they're filtering out the sinners. and the mormons. ahhh...the mormons, let's move onto that smiling, blonde haired, motley, bunch of inbreeders, shall we?....
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the church of jesus christ and latter-day saints. latter-day? in the park? was it the 4th of july? who was in charge of church-naming that day? and why salt lake city? it just doesn't seem like the best medium for recruiting to put the capital of your church in the middle of the fucking desert. unless your muslim. i'll get to that a bit later. i think Bring em Young (capitalized not out of respect, but for the sake of making fun of his name), the founder, figured nobody cared what went on in utah anyway, so he more than likely decided against starting his church out of his basement in brooklyn - the real birthplace of mormon. and the philly cheesesteak. best place to relocate their church? berlin, germany. all the crazy blue-eyed blonde freaks running around trying to convert people to their way of "thinking" is bound to raise an eyebrow to most germans. the end of mormon as we know it. problem solved.
and why do they stick their bibles in hotel room nightstands? i've been trying to ponder that one for years and i think i finally came to a conclusion (while i was typing this no less). hookers and porn stars frequent hotel rooms. is it a coincidence that all mormons look like former washed-up hookers and porn-stars? take multiple "partners"? wear that long underwear to hide std's perhaps? one thing the mormons got right on that one. marketing.

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ahh the muslims. more importantly (for the sake of kicking them in the balls in this blog post) the EXTREME muslims. where oh where to begin on that mess. mecca, that's where...

mecca needs to be moved to the moon - where nothing, not even the extreme teachings of the quran can hold its weight. along with islamic extremists. it doesn't make sense to just blow them up. that's what we went to the moon for in the first place, right? to see if it might be inhabitable? islam extremists are used to the rough conditions anyway. look at afghanistan. it's like the moon there anyway. they'd be hunderds of thousands of miles away and still not have the technology to be any threat on a global level. shape em up, ship em out, shit on their heads heading back to earth. praise be allah.

if you ever listen to that astronaut who said "one small step for man. one giant leap for *mec---shhhh---static*. i really think the washed out part at the end wasn't "mankind", but "mecca". listen to it. i think i'm right.

i could see how it might be a problem for them to worship when the earth is blocking the sun in the east though. nobody's perfect.

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next on the list...jews. what i like about jews. they keep me warm at night. one cool thing i like about jewish folk is the VARIETY. there's hassidic jews, orthodox jews, charleston jews, and women's jews. it seems like there's a jew for every occasion. it's easily the most repressed religion ever. millions and millions have been needlessly killed and instead of giving up, they find a way to stay strong and keep giving a silent, universal "fuck you" to every person and organization which has tried to keep them down. jews don't go door to door trying to recruit you. they're way above that. honestly, they don't fucking WANT you in their religion. you're probably not smart and saavy enough anyway. and the biggest evil that's kept the jewish people at bay for so many years? OTHER RELIGIONS. it's a war. and the jews always win. hug a jewish friend of yours today. and keep the synagogues where they are. they don't bother anybody. they're hardly ever a hotbed for any controversy. and there's more than likely one at ground zero - that more than likely withstood the events of 9/11. oi vey.

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that's all i have for today. was a great way to pass 2 hours at work to be honest with you. now it's off to get my license renewed and once again tell them "no, i don't wany my organs donated to a seance".

peace be with you. and with you. and with you. but not YOU - shouldn't you be living in a lunar colony already?

runescape vs world of warcraft

yes, i'm a game nerd. not anywhere near as bad as i used to be, but i still tinker. so, here are the pros and cons of two of the most popular online mmorpg's that i've played around with (for those who don't know what "mmorpg" means - it means you've been playing too long to know what that means).

runescape (jagex corporation)
i'll start with runescape. runescape is a java-based fantasy game which means if you like to point and click on things at 135,000 clicks per minute, it might be for you. there are different skills you can "level" to make "runescape gold" with which you can buy poorly pixelated items and relics that some people have spent real years of their life to acquire (note the word "real" in front of "years" and not "life"). all skills take up so much real time; if you want to play this game well , it's not suggested that you have a girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner (then again if you're an avid fan of this game something tells me you've never had that problem anyway). anyhow, back to skills you've never had in real-life...

....examples - you like crafting bows and leather armor because you failed home-ec in junior high and have something to prove - the crafting skill might be up your dumper. or perhaps mugging in-game characters (not other players - rats!!!) is your cup of kool aid - there's a thieving skill. all skills can be trained to level 99 (99 problems and a "real life" ain't one), and if you achieve this ridiculous feat you can acquire a "skill cape". a skill cape is merely a cape that represents which way (runescape skill) you don't like having any kind of real social interaction. they also look like something that elton john might have worn had he never broke the bar scene.

there's also quests you can do that require you to actually use the keyboard every once in a while to change the screen angle. as if even having a job in a game wouldn't suit your fancy.

you can only choose one race to start with - human, but can customize him/her to your liking. this was one of the most entertaining parts for me in this game. i actually customized my avatar to look almost EXACTLY like gary busey. after growing bored with that look i changed him to resemble al gore. this however was short-lived since most avatars, male and female, look like al gore anyway in this game. so i went back to busey. with dreadlocks. and torn clothes. now he looks like that famous mugshot of nick nolte. so badass.

on the upside, runescape's monthly member's fee is only 6 bucks a month. not bad compared to the highway rape that other games pass off as monthly fees.

runescape gets 2 out of 5 bob dylans - EWWWW, EWWWW / 5.

world of warcraft (blizzard entertainment)
christ. what bad thing HAVEN'T you heard about this game? if you can get past its heroin-like addictiveness, all the veteran players flaunting their flashy gear that they've ruined their real family life over, the chance you might very well become morbidly obese playing it, and the fact that once you reach the maximum level of 80 there's nothing really much else to do - hey! why not give it a shot?

wow (as anyone who's anyone calls it that HASN'T ever eaten at World of Wings before) offers many options for players first starting out.

first off the hopper - race and class selection. ever have a childhood dream of being a midget who can throw fireballs at the oppressive tall people who took your lunch money as a child? wow's got you covered! or maybe you always wanted to take that trans-gender step and BECOME a female minotaur resembling creature - DON'T CASH IN YOUR 401K!! wow can make this dream come true...for a measly 15 bucks a month! this alone has the former game beat on so many levels (besides the price; online rape is in fact, legal to blizzard). the amount of race and class selection combos is better than meat-flavored spaghetti sauce.

ok, so you've created your character that's doomed to be laughed at in the near future. every race starts in their own homeland starting area. except gnomes and trolls. apparently the section 8 housing was worse than an indian reservation in their hometowns and blizzard decided to lump them into shared starting areas so as not to offend low income families who can somehow afford the monthly fee. i give props to the people at blizzard for the artwork and music in this game. it sucks you in harder than a vegas hooker.

as you level your pretend hero, it is wise to skill to make money. can't have war without the craft, you know? you can do things like make shirts or pick at rocks in the middle of nowhere. it's just a game. why not offer skills like "pimping"? or "drug trafficking"? throw the people playing your lousy game a bone, blizzard. at any rate, standing around the major cities in this game asking for money not only gets annoying, it IS annoying watching other players do it. even most bums in real cities will ask you once, then stab you. sadly that isn't an option in this game.

anyway, quest quest quest. skill skill skill. SHAZAAM! you're level 80 in no time at which point you stand around begging (something you vowed never to do from the beginning), asking well "geared" players to carry your weight through dungeons, raids, and wal-marts at 2 am. the game really just stops being fun and starts pissing you off daily at this point, so it might be time to re-activate that xbox live account and play halo or whatever people on xbox live play.

world of warcraft gets 3 doritos out of a bag of 150. <] <] <] / bag

trying to lose a few pounds. sorry.

stay tuned for my next review of "my neighbors: part 3" and "warm beer: the myth continues"!!