gum

you know what i'm tired of seeing lately? all these STUPID fucking gum commercials.

the one that bothers me least is the orbit one with the attractive, blonde british lady (should get the hint they're trying to scam us right there). which really isn't so bad. eye candy selling mouth candy. i can get behind that. and her.

fresh? clean? FEELING? OH..you betcha.

the one that bothers the living BAH-jesus out of me though is that fucking "5" gum commercial. you see that one? stimulate your senses! it's gum, folks. not a shiatsu recliner in a strip mall. the first commercial of theirs i remember had that lady on a 1000 foot-high cliff diving into a frigid lake with fire on the top of it. first of all, the only "sense" that stimulates is my common sense. no person would do that. even for gum. secondly, when can you compare ANY experience to doing what she is doing? much less some crappy gum that costs two dollars. then there's the other one where all the people are in the room, strapped to chairs, seeing all that black oily shit in the sky. the only thing i've ever put in my mouth that did that was immediately followed by me serenading a telephone pole. and i couldn't blow bubbles with it. and how does this shit stimulate my 5 senses? smell and taste - ok. they both last about 5 minutes for any piece of gum i've had. but i'm of the mind to think that if you get off on hearing yourself chew, feeling what you're chewing and then looking at it, gum isn't the thing that you should be taking orally, folks. it's not science. it's gum. i think the people at "5" need to re-evaluate what they're actually selling.

gumageddon? new x-files movie?

and what about the one where they're being "paid with gum" (i think it's trident layers or some shit like that)? seriously? i know unemployment is bad right now, but you think the electric company would stave off shutting your service off if you'd tell them that you'll make a payment arrangement in gum?

make mine a double

get back to the doublemint days. the doublemint twins. the doublemint twins waterskiing in wet bathing suits. yeah, i can chew on that. and the commercials were quick back then. everyone knew what gum did.

have a real-world scenario in your gum commercial. you sift through the lint in your pocket for the last piece that you just realized you sent through 3 laundry and dryer cycles. it still looks edible. you chew it for a bout a minute or two, spit the shit out on the sidewalk for some lady in heels to walk through. END OF COMMERCIAL.

wrigley's - if you're reading this, i can send you my resume.